“In the future…”

We haven’t been dating for that long. I get that to us it feels like it’s been a while but to others, it shouldn’t–because honestly, it hasn’t been that long.

Two months.

Our families ask if we plan on getting married. At two months. My sisters ask if I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with him. I answer honestly. No.

They complain like banshees. Then what am I doing? Why bother dating? You need to think of the future.

As if I haven’t. You’re always going off and off about the future. As if I’m not always thinking about it. As if it doesn’t stick in my brain like placque. As if it doesn’t haunt my closet at night.

That’s just it though. I’m always thinking about the future. But it’s never long. Not mine. Everyone else’s future seems to expand into eternity while mine struggles to make the year. Maybe two months–maybe three months. I can’t tell. The future is darker than a secret.

Now I get to ask you, is it so wrong for me to try and have some fun? Or is it that you take the thought that because it is fun it is without thought or planning? I don’t understand why I am to be punished for trying to enjoy myself. Why am I only a child when you disagree?

Perhaps I was wrong. I figured that since I can’t seem to see a future for more than a year there would be no harm in having fun. In just gaining an experience before I go. But, I guess you’re right. Why did I bother? I thought I deserved some happiness. Maybe. Possibly. But obviously I am wrong. Since there seems to be no long term agenda with this other human being I should not bother. No lesson to learn, no experience to take. My options are forever, or never.

You’re right, though. Feelings are a fragile and fickle thing. I shouldn’t bother. I’m not going to live long anyway–to connect with someone before I go seems like smudging a painting in a museum I don’t belong in.

Next time I’ll think more about the future. I won’t venture out. I won’t say a thing. There will be no marks and I apologize.




24 September 2017

All that I asked for was transparency.
That was it.
I just wanted transparency.
I always kept you in the know
I was transparent about my feelings.
But because you didn’t like me
didn’t want to know
didn’t want to see
didn’t want to feel
it didn’t matter
Nothing did.

To you.

So in the end I can only conclude that it would be the same.
A pathetic ditch effort for the result of nothing
As always.

You were my last string.
The last thing keeping me sane
The only grasp of hope in reality’s face
And I was wrong to do that
Because you didn’t care to know.
Didn’t care to see.
Didn’t care to feel.
Didn’t care… about me.
So that was my fault.
For putting my hope in the wrong thing
For knowingly attaching my heart
onto something I knew was only temporary
It was my fault for making you my last hope. And because you didn’t care to know
didn’t care to feel
didn’t care to see
didn’t care about me
you were gone.

Along with my hope.

So when the small voices would call
from the farthest distance
telling me not to jump
I ignored them.

I didn’t care to know
didn’t care to see
didn’t care to feel
didn’t care about

So I jumped.


The Language I Speak

28 February 2017

Oh, that’s kind of sad.
That is what they say when I tell them
“I’m not fluent in my first language.”
It is. I will not deny that.
But it most definitely is not sad for the reason you think
At least, not to me.
You say it is sad
It is.
And I hate it, I hate it that they ask.
They dare. ask. why.

“What are you saying?”
“Stop speaking like that,
“Don’t use those words.”
“You need to speak English at school.”

I turned away, as many of us did
What was the beauty and the use of my first language
It wasn’t being taught in school
We’d get in trouble for speaking it
So who cares if I know my first language?
It’s not important, English is important

The nurse giggles when I struggle
Struggle to find the words in my first language
To try and explain what the hell a PICC line
Is to my father, in an underdeveloped language

The white lady glares at me
When I walk down the street with my friends
Joking about something in my first language
Like we don’t belong here.

And one of the experiences that confused me the most
Was when I was sitting in Spanish class
Discussing funerals with a fellow student
Simply because we were asked
And the Spanish teacher said to the class
“I bet they’re talking about how ugly we are.”

She giggled while I just looked at her incredulously
My Spanish teacher
Who had been abroad to Spain
Whom I had assumed would learn not to say such things
When she herself knew a different language
And had gone abroad
My Spanish Teacher

So when they look at me
They see that I’m different
They ask me where I’m from
They ask me what language I speak
I’m a foreign in my own home
And I speak the language
Of bitterness and spite




I saw your girlfriend during school.
She walked past me with the biggest smile on her face. As if I was the one that did something wrong, I looked down. That’s when I noticed that we had the same boots on.
I scoffed.
In a moment, my heart was on fire and all I felt was anger and irritation. I think I took them off calmly. On the outside. I hope so.
I spent the rest of that school day barefoot.
Of course, there’s nothing to be angry about, having the same boots. I never imagined I’d be someone who would be angry over that but there I was, sitting in front of my class, planning how much past homework I could dig up to make a big enough fire to burn those boots.
It wasn’t so much the fact that the boots were the same but the symbolism. Or perhaps that’s just me. All I thought about was how it was the same. Gift giving, height, race, movies, even the whole relationship style. Well, except for one thing–you didn’t hide her, but you hid me.
When I came home, I threw the boots into the shadows of the jackets and shoes in the foyer. I dug up as much homework as I could from my room. Fifth grade, sixth grade, eighth grade, ninth grade, eleventh grade, unleashing my inner hoarder. I left it in a big pile on a stool in my room. I don’t remember the rest of that day. That’s all I remember. 
Her. Boots. Salt. Planning. Blank.
All these thoughts and memories came back to me today while I was collecting my shoes. I scoffed at the boots again.
I was so angry back then, it makes me laugh now.
Now, they’re just boots. I bought it with my own money, why should I throw it away? It wasn’t like I was the one who made me feel like a copy-and-paste, he did that himself. Just because he took me as a copy-and-paste doesn’t mean that I’m actually a copy-and-paste. If anything, I’m better. But I’ll keep those details to me.
Image result for brown ankle boots

Scarlet Heart: Ryeo – Episode 19 [Last Installment]

I’m not sure if it was because I’m in a rush to finish the drama or if it’s because it’s towards the end of the drama that I feel like this but this episode felt very much not needed. I could not stop my impulses to skip through the episode because ain’t nobody got time to be absorbing all your unnecessary long stares and shiet. Gatdammit!

I found it interesting that the issue with the hawk was with So instead of the original King Taejo. O_O
I just realized that they completely eliminated the whole issue with the King and the struggle between finding the chosen son as compared to having no one else in mind. Then again, the whole beginning was so focused on creating the sob story of So and his reasoning for whatever it is that he was doing. I don’t even know. I literally hold no sympathy towards him. It’s so weird to say because you’d think that after watching 19 episodes of him doing his thing, I would be all emotionally invested and loving it just as much as any other person who watched it but any other person who watched it doesn’t value what I value from the original. I just… I said I was going to be and I am. This one pale’s a lot in comparison with the original drama. I feel like a lot of the connections and flavors are not there. The issues that pulled at many people’s heartstrings is just not there anymore, the whole “love story turned demonic lover” just felt too common place, especially with Korea period dramas. Maybe I just need to stop watching so many period dramas or stop being so incredibly bias but I simply cannot. I’m a horrible person. Y’all should not be reading this shit. Then again, none of you are so I don’t really need to complain about y’all absorbing my nasty writing.

Everything seems to be collapsing in this episode so I’m not going to go any further from here on out. It seems like they’re just trying to quickly pull all the cards quick to get them apart and then follow the rest of the original drama exactly the same so I’m not going to be commentating on the last episode. I heard it ends the same way. (3 hour drives to Chicago reveals many things.)
I also saw that, while I was scrolling through some feed, there was a rumour about a season two coming out and I just… no. Don’t. If it’s going to be anything like season two of BBJX, just stop. I’m disappointed enough. I’m tired, just stop.

It’s been a bumpy ass ride and I’ve been pretty negative. I’m sorry that this had to be the first way I present myself watching a drama. It sucks and I haven’t really learned how to control myself over these kinds of things yet. Hopefully as time goes on I can be reviewing newer stuff rather than a comparison of something I super love with a remake I know will not live up to the drama–and if I ever do, hopefully I can do a better job at discussing the good points of the drama in comparison to the remake, as compared to just straight up hating on it. I’m such a hater. It’s so bad. Although–it does show me that I have a lot of room to grow in.
Hopefully things will be better next time. It was fun recapping and ranting about this drama with you guys. Again, I apologize for being such a hater.



Scarlet Heart: Ryeo – Episode 18

I’m not saying that we’re trying to smash a whole bunch of episodes into one but… we’re trying to smash a whole bunch of episodes into one.

I had always had a feeling that Chaeryung was YuTan’s equivalent but at the same time the fact that Chaeryung played her childhood maid as well just didn’t help with how it was to add up. And in the end, it really didn’t help add up. So Chaeryung’s childhood and make up is supposed to be like that of YuTan’s–sad poor family, stricken with the plague and needs medicine to survive, goes begging, leading to meeting with 9th Prince. And then it goes awry. After a while, she is handed to be the personal handmaiden of Haesoo, supposedly having kind of grown up together? Like… what? That doesn’t make sense if she was supposed to originally be from 9th’s house. Messy is as messy is.

Another thing about Chaeryung, I loved how they killed her in such a boring way. I don’t mean to say that being beaten to death is a totally boring way to go or something, but I mean, it pales in comparison to the original. Later in the episode, Baek-Ah claims that So knew all along that Chaeryung had been a spy and tried to distance her as much as possible but he sure as hell didn’t seem like he was. Whereas, in the original, the viewer got to see how these strange things were happening to the maids, each being said to be “an example for [this] or [that],” So did nothing. Just, “oh, ya… I knew about that. I totally told her to stop but then she, like, just didn’t listen to me so I had her beaten to death.”
4th Prince kept sending her direct messages saying to stop, saying “watch this, this’ll happen if you do not stop,” and when YuTan continued, he had her steamed to death. That’s right! Steamed! Like a fucking bun–like a baozi, dumpling, mandu, whatever it’s called in your language. Haesoo could go on and on about how beating her to death in a straw carpet was inhumane, like, chile! Go watch the original version before you walk yo ass up in here sayin that she was beaten like a dog and it was inhuman. And least she was still treated like a living animal. YuTan was fucking steamed alive in a makeshift human bun steamer. Fucking slow-cooked to death. Talk about inhumane. Tsk, girl got me good.
I’m not saying that the Korean version is the epitome of tame but the Korean version is the epitome of tame.

I have to say that, personally, I did not like how this played out. I guess it made more sense that the Chinese version could be more drawn out because it was so many more episodes than the Korean version but I feel like it’s too rushed. In comparison, the Chinese version worked very well to show the viewer the way in which all of the stresses of the palace life, as well as just being with the King in general, were all stressing her out and causing her to get worse, the Korean one just kind of went “whoop! You’re dying soon. WHOOP! Things just got a shit ton more stressful! Looks like you’re going to die sooner!” Like, chile, if there ain’t no build up, there is no reason to be climaxing so soon. Shit, even viagra can’t save you now.

Another upsetting fact is that they do not keep the fact that Fourth already has a family. Like, he had to be honoring her in some way shape or form to be the perfect romantic period. And so their solution was just to have him, basically, cheat on her with Yeonhwa. I’m pretty sure they angry fucked after he got drunk. And, as per usual, he blamed his issues on 8th. Except, he only recently just started acting out on 8th, whereas before he was just kind of indifferent. It was a detail that the writers seemed to really ignore. It’s almost as if everything just hit So at once and he just had to be doing everything.
I don’t know about you guys but I personally liked the fact that it was a combination of things over time that worked away at the relationship between Ruoxi and 4th Prince that pulled them apart, as compared to this whole “everything happening at once” kind of stressful ordeal with So and Haesoo. I, obviously, have heavy favoritism towards the Chinese version though, so my opinion is next to nill on this LOL!

I’ll be looking forward to how So takes on the idea that Haesoo will now be living with 14th Jung from now on. We shall just have to see.
Goodnight y’all, that’s enough salt from me in one day.



Scarlet Heart: Ryeo – Episode 17

That was super fast.

The great King Yo has fallen. It’s very interesting how the screenwriters killed off all of their kings. Each one seemed to die of their own–Taejo died of whatever sickness he had, Moo died of mercury poisoning yet there was also no direct killing, and then Yo died of paranoia(?) I’m not really sure what it is that he died of. I just thought that was interesting. As compared to other shows, this one very much focused on just the abdication of each king and the coming of the new king. It’s just… interesting. Nothing wrong with that but it just makes it seem so… civil. I’m not really sure how to word this concept LOL

It’s sad to see the General go but I completely understand why he went. As much as we would prefer So himself, it still is hard to see him when you feel yourself that he is the sword wielder of your daughter’s death, your little baby girl. So, although sad, I completely understand his reasoning for leaving, I’m still super sad about him leaving. A lot of my favorite actors don’t get that many scenes in this drama. Kind of sad in general but oh well. Not much you can do with just a few episodes left.

Also, it would seem the brat (Princess Yeonhwa) is aiming for queendom again. Sheesh, so much can happen in a single episode and she’ll appear and it’ll just make the rest of it disappear from my mind and I’ll just be sitting here salty about her.
Though I have to say the whole scar thing is a really stupid idea. It’s very hypocritical to say that she is unfit for being a female leader simply because she has a scar would greatly overlook the fact that the king himself was greatly criticized and feared by many because he had a facial scar. If anything, the fact that he had a facial scar would greatly disqualify him as their king because he would be seen as a bad omen from the heavens. Yet all of that is seemingly forgotten. I dunno, kinda odd to meee~. But I mean, whatever, continue with those double standards. *eyeroll*

We shall see how this… continues. I’m salty.